Ask Dr. Mariya

With the Covid 2019 pandemic, mental health and social issues are on the rise. It is, indeed, understandable, if not inevitable for us to feel overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed at times. With each of us going through our own individual obstacles and challenges, apart from dealing with an international crisis, Dr.Mariya takes the time to answer some of your questions surrounding mental health and social crisis.

1- How can you overcome paranoia after having trust broken several times?

This is a very tough situation to be in. It seems like you have been in relationships that have had a similar pattern. Normally, our deep beliefs lodged in our subconscious reflect what we experience in our physical life. Finding your own belief about trust, for example if we believe that that “I am ugly” then our bodies are made in a way to attract things and situations that
confirm our belief systems. These inner belief systems are not in our conscious reach. Listen to your gut feeling (feeling that something is not right in your body) when you meet someone new, don’t focus on how they look or what they say, listen to your body how does it feel. Start listening to your body and take time to get to know someone before you get involved. It takes
about 6 to 8 weeks for toxic people to start showing their real self.

2- My partner has been physically and mentally abusive and manipulative for a number of years. He has a history of gaslighting me so often that I have reached a point of questioning my own reality. How can I stop questioning what I know is true and gain more confidence?

You can start by writing out a vision/mission statements on various aspects of your lives by getting to know true self and what you stand for: Love relationships – I have a partner that is affectionate, reliable, caring, cooks with me, have date nights etc; Friendships – I have friends that are full of integrity, they celebrate with me when I have success, they lift my mood when I am down, they are reliable etc; Adventures- I create memories by taking part in new activities like surfing, I travel once a year to a different country, I explore different art and cultural activities etc; Health and fitness – I go jogging every morning, I take a healthy cooking class to learn how to prepare balanced meals, etc, and do the same with career, spiritual life, and family life. Write them out and statements as if they have already happened and have fun with it. Get to know you!

3-Due to the pandemic I have been strictly at home for the past four months and now I am struggling with severe anxiety thinking about going back outside and being around more people again. How can I lessen my anxiety about transitioning back into like as it used to be?in more confidence?

We are all in the same boat here. Anxiety arises from fear of what might happen. Distinguishing between real fear and superficial fear is difficult if you have experienced childhood trauma. Usually if we have anxiety in one area, we have anxiety in other areas of our life, which means it is piled up unresolved emotional wounds. Anxious feelings are coming up to tell you
that certain patterns in your life needs changing. Acknowledge that, by saying “thank you”. It could have stemmed from feeling that your best was never enough in your family or school. Ask yourself – Have making changes in past resulted in negative outcomes for me? Then next time when you confronted with making a change breathe into your heart and ask your heart “is this right for me?” Then sit quietly the answer might come straight away but other times it might come later. Once you have asked the question you don’t have to work it out in because it will come to you and your will feel “A-ha”. These A-ha moments are transformative. There is also a wealth of resources on YouTube on guided meditations for releasing anxiety it might be good to access and choose one that you prefer.

4- After recovering from two suicide attempts over the past year, how do I prevent from losing hope especially during such uncertain times?

First of all, I am glad that you here to ask this question. This means that your conscious mind wants to work on this and change and see yourself through to the future. However, it is important not to focus too much on the future but focus on the healing in the present moment. Ask yourself these questions:

“Author Evette Rose provides 3 key questions in relation to those who feel suicidal”

• What am I trying to escape from?
• Why do I feel the need to escape?
• What is missing in my life right now that is making me feel I cannot cope?

Accept with love what comes up with no judgment. The way we experience love is different for each person because the way our parents showed love to us might have been unhealthy, even abusive. Saying to yourself, “I am prepared to learn and experience a love that is safe even though I don’t know what that feels and look like at this point.”

Are you able to think “no” but you always say “yes”? Do you feel easier to set a boundary when you are angry? Are you a peacemaker? Just be you and those who love you for who you are will stay and accept your boundaries without judgement or rejection.

These are two major areas that you can work with a therapist or with other healing modalities. There many types of healing modalities available internationally, choose a modality that will help to release traumas without reliving them again. Many are providing sessions online so this is a very good time to tap into the international service providers.

5- I have noticed that a lot of people around me (including myself) are numbing emotions as a coping mechanism. How do you find the right balance between caring too little and caring too much?

We numb ourselves to keep our self-safe, when we were children that are not serving us anymore. As a child you might have not been allowed to express your feelings and if you did you might have been punished. So, you learnt that having feelings are not safe. You can start introducing feelings little by little. Start with things that feel nice first for example, when you are on the beach close your eyes and focus on what you hear, how it feels on your skin, what you smell, and what you can taste. Observe the feelings that arise. Don’t analyse. Just allow your body to feel. When you have done this many times, your body will start being comfortable with feelings. Then when you a confronted with a challenging situation, remove yourself if you can, usually into a quiet place and close your eyes and bring the feeling of being on the beach. Our brains cannot hold two opposing thoughts at the same time. Once you have calmed down then you can go back in to the challenging situation and your nervous system would be calmer allowing yourself to feel the difficult emotions knowing that you can go back to the beach anytime to feel safe.

Balancing caring too much and caring too little. It sounds like a conflict within you about boundaries. Again, trusting your body’s GPS system (intuition or gut feeling) will bring the focus back to yourself. Therapist Marisa Peer’s method is very simple: try taking 5 breaths just in without exhaling. How does that feel? Now 5 breaths just out and do not inhale. How does that feel? Nature has made it a balance where we take one breath in and one breath out. Our relationships are to be treated the same way caring with a balance. It is about giving and receiving.

When we care too much then we are pushing the other person by invading their boundaries. If we care too little then we might be fearful of getting hurt. Explore your feelings around this. Doing some healing work around boundary setting will be useful.

6- Due to a lot of unresolved trauma, I realised I have a tendency to lash out and blow things out of proportion when I think I am treated unfairly. How can I control my anger better during such situations?

It sounds like that your main stress response is your fight response. Anger is a symptom that results from feeling helpless, powerless, of injustice, being out of control and resentment. Anger being an emotion that has a lot of energy taking up regular cardio exercise alongside something like yoga, tai chi or any other exercise that connects body and brain might help your body release the access energy.

Eating nutritious food including pre and probiotics is important for gut health. Now you might what has that got to do with anger. Probiotics are beneficial bacteria found in certain foods (natural yogurt with live bacteria) and prebiotics are types of fiber (bananas, papaya, onion, garlic, potatoes, leeks) that these good bacteria feed from in the digestive system. Research shows that bacteria carries messages to our brain so with high levels of bad bacteria in our stomach increases anxiety, depression etc. Additionally, anger is usually helping us set a boundary. When we are grounded within ourselves and trust ourselves our boundaries come from a neutral and strong place. Do you find saying “no” difficult? When we are children when we say no we might have been punished or rejected. Observe yourself in everyday situations: do you say “yes” when really mean “no”? Awareness is the first point of healing.

7- I am in the process of healing from a lot of trauma and I get triggered often reading the news or when I go on social media. I don’t expect to live in a safe bubble all my life but how do I protect myself from triggers while I heal?

Social media can be very toxic and it is advisable to limit scrolling on social media maybe one or twice a day. In psychology, a trigger is explained as something that sets off a memory (might not be a conscious memory so only bodily reactions can be felt) transporting us back to the original trauma. When a trigger is felt acknowledge it by saying “thank you for letting me know”, because something unconscious is now at a conscious level. They are coming up to be healed. Instead of sitting with the feeling without judgment, we find ourselves trying to get rid of the feeling by distracting through eating, calling a friend, spending even more time on social media etc. Next time take deep breaths and feel it to the maximum, sit with the uncomfortable feeling, sit until you feel relief.

In the long term you would need to heal your trauma and it is always your choice when to heal. If you don’t heal though, it will catch up with you and take control of your life.

8- How do I maintain a relationship with a family member or parental figure that has caused a lot of pain and hurt you?

This is a very hard thing many faces. It is important to set boundaries around how much time you spend with them for a start. Next thing is radical acceptance, that they were projecting their hurt and how they experienced love in their childhood. Accessing healing is important because parental figures show us love that was unhealthy and when we are children, we make associations that love means humiliation, neglect or even abuse, or service by doing chores etc. This association is what makes us choose unhealthy partners when we grow up. Healing these associations is where a real change can be seen and felt.

Dr. Mariya Ali provides coaching sessions and one-to-one coaching can be booked through Ka leo.

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