Ask Dr. Mariya – 2

With the Covid 2019 pandemic, mental health and social issues are on the rise. It is, indeed, understandable, if not inevitable for us to feel overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed at times. With each of us going through our own individual obstacles and challenges, apart from dealing with an international crisis, Dr.Mariya is back to answer some of your questions surrounding mental health and social crisis. You can read her first contribution here.

1- How important is it to heal past trauma and how do you recognise childhood trauma in adult life?

The most confirming signs of trauma are poor health (both physical and mental), and/or toxic relationships.

Heart disease, hypertension, type II diabetes, obesity, and autoimmune diseases such as arthritis and can all be traced back to trauma. Trauma affects our central nervous system and human behaviour, and research proves that it can change the brain’s physiology and structure. In fact, it is a common misconception to believe that babies do not remember. Trauma experienced during the first year of life is the most damaging as it can alter our DNA. The good news is, that many of these damages can be healed with various healing modalities.

The choice to heal, however, lies solely with you. It is hard when you start and it can get a bit confusing and messy in the transition, but it is worth it. It will completely transform your life, and you will begin to live in a constant state of joy even when difficult situations arise. You will have this innate feeling that no matter what happens, God/higher power/ universe has got your back. However, if you decide to not go through this process, the trauma can instead catch up to you and take a toll on your health.

2- Could a childhood spent in a dysfunctional family and emotionally unavailable parents, lead to troubled relationships in adulthood?

Not necessarily! Children are very resilient and can grow up to find people who are compatible; where both partners want to emotionally grow in the relationship and help each other heal. Positive relationships are the most healing because “humans are hardwired to connect” (Dr Brenè Brown).

However, because emotional availability and physical nurturing of children are a necessity for optimal brain development, children in these families can suffer and become either “clingy” and resistant (become people pleasers), or dismissing (avoiding closeness even if they crave closeness).

The sad reality is that some parents or caregivers grew up with emotionally unavailable parents themselves. This can leave them without the emotional capacity to provide the security that is necessary for their children to form a healthy bond with them. When there is a lack of consistent emotionally available interaction and connection with parents or a caregiver, children do not learn the nuances of speech patterns, emotional messages attached to conversations, the role of facial expressions which we use to read other people’s intent, our safety and the emotional state of other people. Children instead end up learning that expressing emotions are not safe, and find it extremely hard to express any, and use various methods such as anger, distancing themselves, getting busy, numbing themselves by sleeping, eating, shopping and various other activities. Emotional unavailability is transferred as such from generation to generation, passing down trauma.

Hence, we are likely to get into relationships that are unfulfilling and even toxic and/or abusive. For instance, if you had emotionally unavailable parents
growing up, you may tolerate toxic behaviours by choosing partners who are already in committed relationships or are married, and believe their false promises that they will eventually leave these relationships for you when the
“timing” is right. You are more likely to get swayed by a push-pull dynamic if you have never experienced healthy relationships growing up.

3- How do I know if I am making the right decision if I decide to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of kids, because they are small?

Staying in a marriage is entirely your decision. However, children want to see happy parents, regardless of whether they are married or separated. I don’t know what you are experiencing when you refer to it as “bad”, but I do understand that what you are going through must be unpleasant.

When parents do not get along, children tend to absorb the emotional atmosphere it creates, and they can take responsibility for the failure of their parents’ marriage. Children learn from observations, and what they are seeing from their parents are what they will choose when they grow up. Thus, they will associate love with severely negative connotations, and this will become their norm. This might be what you have even witnessed with your own parents and the cycle will only repeat until you decide to stop and heal.

These questions might help you start exploring why you are in this relationship:

What is it that I am seeking from my partner that I am not able to give to myself?
What is that I am fearful of, loss or rejection?
What does “love” mean to me?
What do I want for my children?

If you decide to stay, you need to have a radical acceptance because you cannot change another person. We can only change ourselves.

4- My life in the eyes of everyone around me seems perfect. A seemingly perfect husband, perfect kid, we hang out, we travel together a lot, quite the chill couple they say. But I don’t feel myself in this, and I feel guilty telling anyone about it. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t feel right. What do I do in a situation like this?

It sounds like you are having to suppress who you are in this relationship, and I also sense that you are unable to express how you are feeling with your husband. In addition to this, you are feeling guilty expressing how you feel to your closest friends and family. When we suppress our emotions, feelings, and our own identity, we might be avoiding the fear of being criticised, abandoned, rejected, and/or punished. This is when we hand our power to someone else.

When you suppress yourself and your emotions, it impacts your physical health. Our bodies are biologically designed to express emotions and to be ourselves, as there is no one else in the world that is “you”. When you do not feel right, stop, and ask yourself, what are you feeling? Give these emotions a name – are you feeling trapped? Frustrated? Irritated, or hopeless, or maybe helpless, etc. When you feel these emotions come up, what do you do? Once you have identified them, it might be helpful to explore it with a mentor or a life coach.

As mentioned earlier, children learn through observation. Parents usually think that if we do not say anything to our children, they will not know. However, they can sense and pick up the pressure of needing to be perfect themselves and with this, they begin to feel a debilitating fear of failure.

So, it is important to question your own actions and emotions for your children’s development. Ask yourself this, how different will your life be once you start making these changes in your life.

5- What advice would you give to someone with small kids who has to tolerate her abusive husband, because she has nowhere else to go?

The welfare and the best interest of the child must be given paramount consideration. Children witnessing abuse is also abuse to them, and the younger they are, the more damaging it would be. In these types of situations, it is important that you contact the child protection services of the country that you live in, to explore your options.

Abuse is something no one should tolerate. The definition of tolerate is to “accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them.” By accepting one abusive act, you are opening the doors to more. The abuse, in time, might escalate.

Sometimes we believe that we need a man to support us because we have not tapped into our own uniqueness and creativity. What were your dreams for your life before you met your husband? What would it take for you to get in touch with those dreams and ideas again? What does life without abuse look like?

Every morning before you get out of bed, visualise, and feel a life without abuse and experience what unfolds for you.

6- Could a person feel an outburst of anger towards a particular person and feel remorse to the same person? Why does this happen? Is it sign of a mental illness?

First of all, I want to reassure you that it is a normal reaction. I will give you two examples, as I am not clear what kind of person you are referring to here.

Say, you had a very stressful day at work, and then you meet a friend for coffee. Something she said really upset you. You felt that it was insensitive, and it added to the stress that you had been feeling at work. You then said something in anger and she got really hurt. Later, you realised that your friend was also going through a tough time, and you feel a deep sense of regret or guilt for getting angry.

In a different scenario, you might be in a relationship with someone who can be very charming and nice at times, but then devalue you and act cold other times. Additionally, they might do something, but say that you are the one who did it instead. For example, they might be constantly flirting with people behind your back, but then they accuse you of it instead. You get angry at them in the process of trying to prove yourself that you are loyal. They might even pull out an incident when someone came and chatted with you at a party, where you were only politely engaging in a conversation.

If you get angry during such a conversation, they will say that you are
overreacting, and you might end up feeling guilty about it. The more this happens, the more you might start feeling like you are going crazy.

Experiencing remorse in both these scenarios is a normal reaction to what you have experienced.

7- How do I overcome a toxic relationship when I am dependent on him for everything?

You have identified this relationship as toxic, which means that your conscious mind wants to get out of it, but your subconscious mind is telling you that you will not survive without him/her. Unless your partner is somebody with integrity, and/or you are good at setting boundaries, depending on someone for everything puts you at a very vulnerable position.

We usually get hooked into toxic relationships because of unhealed trauma. Unhealed trauma also blocks the ability to earn and keep money sometimes. Thus, I would advise you to seek a healing programme, where you can start healing your childhood wounds and release any negative inner beliefs such as “I am not supported by God/higher power/universe”, or feeling that “I am not worthy of good things coming into my life” etc. Once you initiate this healing process, you will find that you are able to take control of your own life and make better decisions for yourself.

8- I have been depressed due to many unpleasant events in the past, and my anger ends up getting directed towards my children. I feel as though I do not give them much attention, or that I make it too hard for them. Sometimes I shout and say things which I regret later. My children won’t listen to anything unless I get angry and shout at them. They spend most of their time in front of screens. I do not know how to deal with them without shouting or getting angry at them. How do I deal with my anger issues?

It sounds like people only hear you when you get angry. Was this the case with your parents when you were a child?

Regular exercise and a healthy diet is crucial to release the excess energy built up. You could also take up meditation practice; where you can just stroll through nature, or swim in the sea by yourself, so that you can be silent with your thoughts and improve your mind and body connection. Or you can also opt for a variety of guided meditations on YouTube or other apps that serve this purpose. Choose ones that you connect with.

Many parents struggle with children spending too much time in front of the screens and find it hard to challenge children when they throw tantrums once screen time limits are set. This is when most parents give in, but giving in sends the message to children that whenever they throw a tantrum, their parents will give in, and they will end up getting their way. Children will test their limits/boundaries and that is normal, but it is the parent’s responsibility to set strong boundaries. Children feel safer with the guidance of their parents and they will learn to respect other people’s limits/boundaries if you are standing by the limits that you set. Once you have given an instruction to your children, do you stick to them? If not, what are you feeling when you decide to give in?

Technology has become childcare. When they are on the tablet or playing online games, they are entertained and this shift in our lifestyles has caused so much disconnection with our children. As I mentioned earlier “humans are hardwired for connection” and therefore, face-to-face interactions, hugs, affection and playing together is crucial for the development of any child’s brain.

Screens are here to stay, so it is important to have time limits as part of your house rules. The screen time rule also applies to you as children learn from observing the adults around them. Once you have introduced such rules, you would have to fill the rest of the time with board games or other games that you can all play together. Children can also take part in chores such as cooking or helping around the house. This way, they feel that everyone plays a role in the family and this strengthens a sense of belonging. Professor Gillian Schofield and Mary Beek in 2004, developed the Secure Base Model for caregivers. This model of caregiving provides a psychologically safe space for children. The figure below illustrates this model of caregiving.

9- Every time my husband drinks he bullies me and says filthy words at me. I know he does it on purpose to make me angry and to deteriorate my self-esteem. How do I deal with this?

How long has this been going on? What are the steps he is taking to address his drinking? Have you shared how it makes you feel when he uses filthy words?

People who get into toxic relationships usually display characteristic behaviours that make them more susceptible. Our inner belief system is what guides us to attract certain types of partners. We develop these beliefs under the age of 3. Three key beliefs or messages get embedded in our subconscious mind, and it impacts how we view ourselves, and how we view others: “I am loveable”, “people are available to support me”, and “people are there to protect me”. As we grow up, these beliefs become quite resistant to change and additional experiences influence these beliefs further as we move into adulthood. However, if these beliefs were negative and we grew up believing that “I am not loveable”, “people are not available to support me” or that “people are not there to protect me”, we tend to choose partners that confirm these beliefs. Our innermost beliefs are not in our conscious reach, and therefore we do not always know that we have them.

The questions below might help you find out why you are in this relationship (some of these questions might not apply to you). Below is a list of questions and if your answer is yes to most, it will be beneficial for you to seek help through a mentor, counsellor, life coach, or a therapist.

Do you feel and think responsible for others?
Do you try to please others instead of yourself?
Do you put your needs last?
Do you feel insecure or uncomfortable when somebody is giving you attention?
Do you feel comfortable when you are the person who is giving?
Do you feel empty or useless if you don’t have a crisis in your life, a problem to solve, or someone to help?
Do you drop all your plans to do something for someone else?
Do you believe good things will never happen to you?
Do you wish other people will love you?
Do you have a fear of rejection?
Do you feel uncomfortable when someone gives you a compliment?
Do you worry about things excessively?
Do you seek love and approval from others?
Do you feel hopeless?
Do you attract people who need help?

10- I live with my parents and my 3 kids and I am trying my best to make them feel comfortable by doing all the housework and everything they ask me to do. But I feel they never let me be myself at home and I don’t get the space I need. Constant interferences in what I do is making me extremely frustrated, and as a result, I think that I am being a bad daughter. I understand that is a different generation, and I cannot really change their mindset. How do I make peace with it and live a peaceful life looking after them?

In societies like the Maldives, generations live together. From your explanation there is a mixture of culture and your parents’ style of parenting that has promoted enmeshment. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to your situation.

“-I don’t get the space I need. Constant interferences in what I do is making me extremely frustrated, and as a result, I think I am being a bad daughter.” From this sentence, what I understand is that your parents have always been like this and you never felt that you met their expectations as a daughter. If you always felt that you were accepted as you are, then you would not be feeling that “I am being a bad daughter”. This is a childhood wound, “I am not enough”, and that is being triggered. Also, your privacy and boundaries are not being respected, which is why you are feeling frustrated. You need to adopt a stance of radical acceptance which I think you have already started doing – “I understand that’s that a different generation and I cannot really change their mindset”.

It is important that you carve out time for yourself and get involved in activities that you can enjoy and relax from. Spend time with your friends. Also, to “make peace with it and live a peaceful life looking after them”, you would have to release these childhood wounds. Do some research on self-empowerment courses online that offer journaling and meditations, and this will help you release the trauma that is blocking your self-esteem. Alternatively, you could also work with a counsellor or a therapist.

Once you feel confident enough, it would be beneficial for you to have a conversation with your parents. Ask them about the relationship they had with their parents, as we usually repeat how our parents parented us. Explore with them and ask how they felt when their parents interfered too much in their affairs. In this discussion share your feelings as they might have not known that their actions were hurting you.

Sometimes my clients have asked their parents, “Do you trust how you have parented me?” Normally, their answer is yes. Then you can say, “let me use
those skills that you have taught me and trust me that I am implementing what you have taught me.” However, you have to be comfortable enough to ask these questions because ultimately, you know your parents the best.