With the Covid 2019 pandemic, mental health and social issues are on the rise. It is, indeed, understandable, if not inevitable for us to feel overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed at times. With each of us going through our own individual obstacles and challenges, apart from dealing with an international crisis, Dr.Mariya is back to answer some of your questions surrounding mental health and social crisis. You can read her previous contribution here.
1- My partner is severely depressed and has adopted many unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of it, but he still refuses to seek help. How can I help someone that is struggling with mental illness without compromising my own well-being?
This is a tough situation that you are in and it would be helpful for your partner to get an opinion of a psychologist or psychiatrist. We care about our partners and want the best for them. However, our mental well-being is our own responsibility. It seems like you have tried to help your partner but he/she is refusing. You can also pray for your partner to seek the necessary attention, praying for someone else is one of the highest forms of compassion.
Getting help means being open to change and change can be scary. Most of us live with known fears and demons even if they are unpleasant. Familiarity has become safe. Your partner might also unconsciously feel that they get treated differently from when they are not depressed, for instance people fussing over him, caring, making special food etc – equating to love. All you can do is let your partner know that you care and keep encouraging him to seek assistance from a doctor, psychologist or a healer but you cannot take the responsibility for fixing your partner. Even psychologists, therapists and healers can assist or guide you but it is up to the person to put the work in to heal. Some of the main reasons why we get depressed is that we are often too critical of ourselves. We talk to ourselves harshly, such as “I am stupid”, “I am too fat”, “I will never succeed” and so on. If one of our friends or relatives kept saying “You are stupid”, “You will never succeed”, and so on we would get upset with them and would try and avoid them, or some of us would stand up to them. However, we cannot escape or avoid our own voice constantly talking unkindly. Instead of the negative talk if we said things like a caring friend or relative would, our bodies will start to feel the difference.
Another reason why we get depressed is that we are not interacting with friends and family that much anymore. If we are stuck in a loop of negative self-talk we don’t want to mingle with people. We spend most of our time at work and usually staring at screens. Face to face interactions are essential, as we are human. Research shows that people who meet regular community groups, family or friends are happier. So, one of the ways that you can help your partner by trying to arrange get-togethers with friends so that he/she can have face to face human contact.
Doing what you are passionate about is something we usually give up for financial reasons. For example, you might want to run your own café because you love cooking and want to share this with the community, but you cannot quit your job as an accountant because you are the sole breadwinner in the house. Thinking outside of the box would help in these situations. Maybe, you can start creating dishes and share them on various social media platforms, or make an arrangement with a café owner and supply them with one dish a week. This way you are doing something you are passionate about as well as your job. You never know what the world has in store for you.
We live for other people’s expectations. However, if we start living our passions, sharing our lives with family, friends and a community, and be self compassionate, we can learn to be content with our lives.
2- I am currently expecting my first child and I have been reflecting on my upbringing and the relationship I have with my own mother. She had a very difficult childhood and as a result, she does not have a healthy relationship with my grandmother. While I accept that my mother did her best to raise me under the circumstances, I don’t have a good relationship with my mother either. I am scared that I will somehow end up continuing this cycle with my child. How do I break this cycle of generational abuse and ensure this does not happen?
Self-awareness is the most important part and you have already identified the pattern. These patterns are passed down from generations and it seems like you are seeking to stop this cycle with you. You can!
Mothers are usually the primary caregiver in many countries and we rely on them to provide us with love, care and protection. During the first three years of our life, we observe how sensitive and attuned our mothers are to our physical and emotional needs, how she attends to our survival needs, and how available she was for us when we needed her.
The infant knows that the mother is a secure base for the infant to explore the world. How this caregiving happens is how we learn if we are loveable or worthy of love, if people are available for me, if they would protect me, and finally our own behaviour and others. So, we begin to manage our behaviours around the expectations we have about others and ourselves through our interactions with our primary caregiver. As we grow and become adults these expectations influence how others relate to us. Emotional attachments continue throughout our lifetime and change a little but largely these patterns are resistant to change.
When our relationship with the primary caregiver in our life is not pleasant, we develop not only emotional struggles but also our physical health suffers. It will be key to seek a coach or a therapist to start working through some of your early attachment with your mother so that you become more self-aware. From neuroscience we know that face-toface interactions with our mother have a powerful effect on the physical development of the brain and is fundamental for long-term regulation of the emotional brain and the autonomic nervous system.
We now know that brain plasticity – the ability to heal and change – can help you change these internalised patterns. Various “loving yourself meditations” can help but in the long run working with a coach, healer or a therapist will be more beneficial.
3- I have recently developed a habit of obsessive and overzealous cleaning. I become extremely anxious if my apartment is not clean enough and I struggle to maintain my composure if I am in a public setting as I do not know how clean those places are and I begin to feel sick to my stomach. Is this normal?
It sounds like this obsessive cleaning is affecting your life and you should seek guidance from the therapist. They will be able to help you navigate through this.
The lockdown and the uncertainty created by COVID 19 have pushed people’s buried traumas to the surface. Those that were never obsessively checking if their hands are clean have started because this could have released a trauma that they have disassociated from. If you see this as a positive sign that these are coming up to be healed, then it will give you some relief.
Usually, repetitive thoughts and behaviours might have given you relief or a distraction from a circumstance that is making you feel unsafe or a situation that is out of your control. Any behaviour that we engage in, like cleaning, serves a purpose and with the help of a therapist you can trace back the origin and find a way to heal.
There are many therapists that are working online. Additionally, if you need assistance you can send an email to Ka-Leo and they will put you in touch with me. I can guide you to a therapist.
4- I grew up in a very competitive household with a lot of overachieving siblings and I think that it had a detrimental effect on my own sense of worth. I always compare myself to other people and I never feel that I am enough for myself or the people around me, as I feel that I can always be replaced with someone better. How do I stop myself from feeling like this?
Before I start answering your question I would like to say that you are enough and you are worthy. There is only one of you in this world and you are unique so you cannot be replaced.
Our “not feeling enough” comes from our interaction with our primary caregiver(s) during the first three years of our life and we don’t remember them consciously as it is stored in our subconscious mind. Therefore, it involves our autonomic nervous system influencing our feelings and emotions.
Educating the conscious mind so reading this column (5%) does not ‘rewire’ or ‘re-write’ your subconscious mind (which consists of 95% – habitual, instincts, experiences, other learning through culture, family etc). In other words just learning or becoming more self aware of your limiting beliefs, is not enough. You may be able to respond to a challenging situation with a different external response, however your body biologically will still have a stress / anger reaction internally.
Your subconscious beliefs act as blueprint instructions that determine your choices and your body’s biological reaction. Changing your beliefs on a subconscious level is the most effective way to change your experiences. Dr Bruce Lipton, a stem cell biologist, explains that one of the methods to reprogram our subconscious is through repetition and the other is through methods that heal the inner trauma. Earl Nightingale, a motivational speaker and a radio presenter, also shared this view, “Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion, will one day become a reality.”
So to start off with, a journaling exercise called the 11/11 process by Melanie Tonia Evans would be helpful. In order to practise this exercise, you write a statement 11 times and for 11 days without taking any breaks. It might take about 30 minutes to complete so set aside the time so that you won’t be distracted. You write this statement – “I unconditionally love and accept myself” and underneath the statement writing out what comes to your mind and it is very important not to judge.
Once you have done the process you will notice subtle changes in you and maybe even people around you. I still use this process whenever I get stuck with negative beliefs, and I have achieved astounding results.
5- My mother is very pessimistic and talks about dying often. I usually ignore her but due to the current pandemic, I know that they are in very real danger and it causes me a lot of anxiety when she continues to talk as if she is dying. One of my friends recently lost her father quite suddenly and I have been feeling more anxious about my parents’ health and wellbeing since. How do I stop my mother’s comments from affecting my anxiety?
The pandemic has amplified our anxieties and many of us have a fear of dying. Additionally, it is normal that we fear our parents might pass away because we are never ready for our parents to die. It might be helpful if your mother would talk to a therapist or a coach, or yourself to explore with her what she most fears about death and to explore ways to find calmness from these negative thoughts.
As for yourself, it is important to start off the day and before bedtime doing meditations online that are designed to relieve anxiety. If you don’t meditate, usually a guided meditation can get you started.
Additionally, regular exercise and a healthy diet with pre and probiotics are very important, as our gut microbiome is crucial for us to have healthy levels of stress.
6- I have recently started working at a new office and my supervisor was initially very kind and put extra effort into teaching me and helping me adjust. However, things quickly turned for the worse. She has been extremely stressed out and overwhelmed with her workload recently, and I feel like she has been venting all her frustrations out on me even when I have done things exactly as asked. She would get upset with me for days on end and then suddenly treat me really well and give me gifts, only for this cycle to keep repeating over and over again. I have been in an emotionally manipulative relationship in the past and I have started to recognize these patterns with my supervisor as well. I have tried to communicate with her but she is unwilling to listen and turns it around on me by saying that she “depends on me” or that she “needed me” and that I “let her down”. I have been losing confidence in my work and this has been causing me a great deal of anxiety. How do I stop myself from getting so affected by her words?
This is a very toxic relationship and your supervisor sounds manipulative. There is almost love bombing-like behaviour to get you to let your guard down and trust her “initially very kind and put extra effort into teaching me and helping me adjust”. The next phase of these relationships is the devaluing stages when you cannot do anything right “she has been venting all her frustrations out on me even when I have done things exactly as asked”. Then there is being upset and potentially isolating you “She would get upset with me for days on end”, followed by what is called “hoovering” “then suddenly treats me really well and gives me gifts”. When you try to talk to her, she knows that she has got you hooked into the cycle of abuse. Manipulative toxic people do not listen to others. They are too entitled, and believe that they are right and others are in the wrong. She is also blaming you for the things that she is doing “turns it around on me by saying that she “depends on me” or that she “needed me” and that I “let her down”.”
It will be best to find another job and get out of this one before your health starts deteriorating. This cycle that they put people through gets you into a place where you feel trapped and you feel that you cannot get out due to guilt and your fear of letting other people down. Toxic bosses are very dangerous so you have to plan your exit from your job carefully.
People can take advantage of us if we are unable to put boundaries. What I mean here is when we cannot say “no” or not standing up to bad behaviour and saying that is unacceptable.
Toxic and manipulative people come into our lives to shine a light on our hidden negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. I would advise you to work with a coach on how to get out of this job safely and not to get into another job where you have a similar boss or a colleague.
7- I feel like I have recently started working all the time to distract myself from my own thoughts. I know that being productive and working is not necessarily a bad thing, but at what point should I be concerned?
I feel for you to ask this question there is a slight concern that has come up inside you. We use distractions when our thoughts or our reality is too hard. Working obviously gives us success and maybe financial rewards that might become quite intoxicating, especially if you are using this as a way to distract.
If you consistently distract and never address the real issue it will catch up with you sooner or later. This might come as a physical health issue that you might not think is related, and doctors would only treat the symptoms of the manifesting disease. Research has shown that childhood trauma upsets the balance in your hormonal and autonomic nervous system, which can influence cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, autoimmune diseases such as arthritis etc
So, I would highly recommend you seek the guidance of a coach or a therapist. Many are working online and so there are therapists working around the world and some are providing service for reduced fees.
8- I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, but my family is not aware of it. As the head of the household, I feel immense pressure to provide for my family and children and make them feel secure even during these uncertain times. As a man in our society, it is hard or nearly impossible to open up and talk about my feelings without them being deemed as weaknesses. Do you have any advice?
Most men in our society are unfortunately socialised into not showing emotions or feelings as people have a belief that this is a weakness. However, men and women are born with emotions and feelings. Dr Jill Bolte Taylor shares in her book “Stroke of Insight”, “Although many of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that can feel, biologically we are feeling creatures that can think.” So, when we hold emotional pain in our bodies they manifest into physical pain or other physical ailments.
We see vulnerability as weakness but if you take an example, telling your wife/girlfriend “I love you” for the first time, is being vulnerable because you don’t know whether she will say it back, but you built up the courage to say it. Just think of scenarios where you had to be courageous in your life, it involves being vulnerable. Dr Brené Brown shares that being vulnerable is not a weakness, in fact it shows strength, courage and compassion.
This image from Pintrest shows that we all have a multitude of feelings with no discrimination between men and women.
Feelings are felt in the body, so we know there is a clear mind and body connection. For instance take a look at these questions and think of a positive experience you have had and observe your body:
- Is your heart racing with excitement?
- Do you feel empowered?
- Do you feel a surge of energy?
Now think of a negative experience and observe your body:
- Is your chest tight?
- Do you have a lump in your throat?
- Do you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach?
It is very important that you talk to someone about how you are feeling, if not your wife perhaps talk to a coach or a therapist online. It is only through feeling the hard feelings we heal from stress, anxiety and depression.
9- How do you deal with the loss of someone suddenly to a free diving accident when you were 1000’s of miles apart at the time?
It’s hard to feel it’s real when there has not been a funeral. My heartfelt condolences. Losing a loved one is difficult, but suddenly and when you are so far makes it so much harder to come to terms with what has happened. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. It might be helpful to talk to people who knew your loved one because they share the same loss. Some people journal, some paint, some play music. Do whatever brings you comfort. Have someone who you are close to with you to take care of you. There is no easy answer.
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